its hard to be alone again

Today it came to me unexpectedly.

I have been ok lately, i seem to be able to stand upright and to smile often.

Most of the time i don't miss her, i just fell somewhat empty. At times i miss a few precious moments, but unlike previous relationships, i don't blame myself for losing them.

It is quite clear to me that the things i miss where lost long before i sent her away. That i did not shun away the woman of my memories she is simply no longer out there. In that body lives a different person, a woman who chose this crude realm over the one we used to dream about together.

The downside, is that i don't know how to be alone anymore. I have spent so many years dreaming about a girl, thinking about her, building my life and self with her on mind. Perhaps eight or nine years, there has always been a woman on my mind. Not the same one of course, but always a single woman at a time.

To live thinking about a woman, whether you are with her or not, is not being alone. She is always in your mind, talking to you, answering your questions, praising or criticizing every thing you do. Shes there to remind you of the world around you, of herself and even sometimes of yourself.

A being which is part flesh part idea, and a big chunk of dreams, always there always with you.

There is no more of that,  (and this is what i thought of today), theres no woman out there who can enthrall me like that anymore. I have been so apart from the thick of the world for so long that there are very few women around me today, and none of them are fit for inspiring my daydreams as before.

I think it has to do with the fact that its harder to expect the unexpected the more you know people. and that unlike before when i was starving for some care and love and was unable to see anything else. I now know, that love and care alone are not enough to build a happy life with another being.

But it gets complicated, i have a tendency to addictive behavior, i find my self desperately seeking a being to crave and focus on. Not even games can keep my mind focused, and is getting worse with each passing day.

As an a ex - smoker i know how its like to leave an addiction, and thats why i am concerned, unlike a drug which has a steep curve and anxiety might last only from three weeks to three months, when its people you are leaving behind it might be a  matter of years before you have reached the peak of  the emptiness they leave.

Theres much more to say on the subject, but, its late and its for another post,,,
next.... self reconditioning for selfishness.