things better left unsaid

I guess I want you in ways you don’t want to be mine; I know you want me in ways I will not be yours.

I am sorry for not being able to be there, pero solo seria clavar los arpones mas profundo.
Lots of things wanted to be said but I wouldn`t please them, no need for drama when all its going to be used for is to tell the end of a story wich never began.

All i can say for sure is that it hurts more than I expected. I guess it is because of the dead potential, other places other persons, they went away when they had to, once they had done and given all they could. Before they did more harm than good. And pain was something I was able to deal with thanks to such knowledge; But you... I know that you where meant to stay for a long time.

I can’t allow myself to go back there, if I want to give meaning to the life I had over the last three years I have to break the pattern. I can’t keep running towards people holding my heart in my hands hoping they’ll be able to fix me. As a child, carring its dying pet, running towards people desperate for someone able and willing to help.

I know I am being unfair, so far I have always talked to you about these feelings with myself as the center of the equation, I never gave you the choice, never actually confronted you with these feelings to see what you had to say about about them.

It would have been hurtful to come to you, to both of us, i chose not to allow it. But if you are going to be forsaken, i better let out these words and feelings else they "threathen the life they belog to"

It’s difficult to have so much beauty, so close, and not feel aroused by it.

It’s hard to look into your eyes and not know id like to be able to stare into them looking for other worlds.

It’s not possible to feel your feelings when they are soft, when they are needy when you are wanting, and not wish to have them for myself. To inspire them.

Smart, Beautiful, Reckless, Dreamy, Passional, Tender, green eyed, short haired, lean, and with a touch of both a nymph and a hopeless romantic.

I cannot be so wrong, how did I get here if you didn’t feel anything alike?, How did I end up harbouring these feeling for you without your help?.

I remember things, phased out images which I now try to erase. My hand being held tight by yours close to your chest, your eyes, staring when I wasn’t looking, the warmth of your skin, so close, so familiar.

Am I so wrong?

You always said I had empathy, I agree, feeling what someone else feels is the bottomline for any care, and I do care for you. But.. did I fool myself into believing there was something there? and if I did, was that because I needed it ? because I wanted it ?.

But its just masochism to go over it again. The desire was there, the willingness to try, the dreams where being born. But I guess you felt it at some point and, most importantly, decided you didn’t want it. You are good at building ditches and drawing lines, never thinking twice before clearly stating how much you would not have me for anything more.

You came to me when I was hunting for someone else, I had to know what lied there, and I would have never taken a step towards you because of her.

You where too precious to be taken lightly, I could not just let myself go, I knew I could end up loving you not that it was bad or i didn´t want it, but I wouldn´t dare to taint one of the few things that i find sacred no matter how badly I wanted you.

And I guess it was then when you decided id be nothing more than a friend, about the time I decided I was romantically interested in you. Funny. Yes. Drop Dead Funny.

Things have been broken for a while. You lie at a painful distance, too far to be touched, too close to be ignored. I no longer lie to myself thinking these feelings will pass. Against all odds, and perhaps all reason, time, and knowledge of you has made me ever more eager of having you.


And I know that you are engaged, and in love, that you can barely tell your left foot from the right one, and I can tell that most of what you are doing revolves around him, i know that this will not change anytime soon and that the last thing you need is an extra free drama added to the cocktail.

Yet, I am too broken and needy to be patient, despite I am used to the patient prowl I cant stand your passion your dreams your beauty and your youth vibrating so intensely next to me for someone else.

And as pain returns, more intense than before, I hope it to be brief.

And I have now to bury the body which has been rotting on my backyard, not like there would be anyone who knew she ever lived, and that she’s dead now. I killed her and i can´t tell, whether her name was friendship, or love. I guess i never asked her while she was alive.